


Broken

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: Drama, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-10-02
Updated: 1999-10-02
Packaged: 2018-11-11 00:40:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11137812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: After the hospital,Fraser suspects RayK. is hiding something from himThis story is a sequel toDetached.





	Broken

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).
    
    
    Disclaimer: Alliance owns Fraser, Kowalski, Welsh, Vecchio, Huey, Dewey,
    Diefenbaker, Vecchio, Thatcher and Turnbull. I'm just using them for
    my own perverse pleasure.  Everybody else belongs to me and the story
    is mine. The title of the series is a song by Peter Gabriel and Deep
    Forest. The lyrics are from 'Life in Mono' by Mono. (both used without
    permission)         
    
    R (possibly NC-17)for M/M SEX, VIOLENCE, H/C, RAPE, BAD LANGUAGE, ANGST
    
    IF YOU ARE UNDERAGE OR M/M SEX BOTHERS YOU: GO BACK, LEAVE NOW, WALK
    ON, BUG OFF. Thank you kindly. 
    
    WARNING: This story contains m/m sex and deals with mature themes, rape
    being the major issue. It is very angsty, but disturbing, so if my other
    stuff doesn't really turn your crank I sure as hell won't be winning
    any brownie points with this one. Also, I don't like to give stuff away,
    but if anyone is a Mono fan, let me warn you now, I use the lyrics during
    a rape nightmare/flashback scene. Didn't do it to be offensive, it's
    just what I was listening to at the time and it just seemed to fall into
    place. 
    
    Sequel to 'Detached'. Picks up directly where that left off.
    
    Broken 
    by
    Rae
    
    ---------
    
      Fraser awoke to the face of the young woman doctor looking up at him.
    She was squatted beside his chair, her hand resting on his knee. "Constable
    Fraser?" He sighed and sat up, looking sheepish.
    "I'm sorry, I dozed off." She smiled understandingly.
    "You've had a busy day." Phillips stood."Detective Kowalski is awake
    and he has been asking for you. He's coherent now. There will be headaches
    and stomach aches, mild discomforts compared to what he has been through."
    
    
    
    
    "How long have you been friends?", she asked as they walked down the
    hall to Ray's room. "Almost two years.", Ben said.
    "It's strange.", she murmured.
    "I'm sorry?"
    "Well, there seems to be a particularly strong sense of trust between
    you." She looked at him quickly. "Mind you, I don't mean that as an insult.
    I envy you.  I have my family, and friends I have known all my life,
    and I don't--I can't place that amount of trust in them." Phillips shook
    off the weight of that statement with a soft chuckle. Then she said,
    "He thinks very highly of you." "I think the same of him." The doctor
    smiled.
    "You love him.", she observed. Ben nodded.
    "Very much. He's a brother to him."
    "That's good to hear. Too many people who come in here are very much
    alone. They are abandoned, unloved. It's difficult to care for them.
    They don't have a reason to live and so they don't fight, they don't
    even try." When they reached the door, she rested her hand on the knob
    for a moment. "He needs his rest. So, as far as chatting goes, no more
    than an hour. I'm gonna bend the rules alittle bit and let you stay with
    him, but, please don't discuss the case too much. I don't want him getting
    upset. Agreed?" Fraser nodded. "As you wish." Phillips smiled and opened
    the door.
    
    
    
    
    Ray sighed, holding his head.
    "Shit, Ben. I feel sick.", he whimpered. Ben stroked his hair gently.
    When he moved his hand back, Ray cringed. It was an almost involuntary
    reaction, as if Kowalski expected Ben to hit him. This reaction startled
    Fraser so that he froze. When Ray made no comment, he let his hand fall
    back on the bed. "I know, Ray." The detective sighed.
    "I want to go home.", he said, "I hate these hospital beds." He licked
    his lips, fighting tears. "I don't even remember what a real bed feels
    like. They just..kept me tied down. I couldn't move. Couldn't...even
    move." "You'll be released soon. The doctors just want to make sure that
    you don't suffer any more side effects." He nodded, smiling at Ben nervously.
    The Mountie smiled back. There were tears standing in Ray's eyes. "Will
    you stay with me?" Fraser nodded, putting his hand over his partner's,
    this time ignoring the slight flinch the touch brought. "Of course."
    Temporarily satisfied, Ray settled back into the bed and closed his eyes.
    Fraser's smile faded as the blond gave in to sleep. He studied the angelic
    face, the etheral quality sleep laid upon it. "What aren't you telling
    me?", he whispered. 
    
    
    
    =======================================================================
    
      Sarah came to see Ray the next morning.  The detective was on his own,
    since Fraser had gone to contact Welsh and Inspector Thatcher. As soon
    as she entered the room, she flew at Kowalski, throwing her arms around
    his neck. "Thank you, Ray. Thank you so much." Ray smiled and gently
    eased her away. "How's your father?" 
    "He's much better now." She cupped his face. "Thanks to you." The detective
    put his hand over hers, blushing under her adoring gaze. "It was nothing.",
    he mumbled. "So, what's your plan now?"
    "I got a job, in Boston. So, I'm going to take Dad, Joey and Tristan
    there. Start over." Ray smiled, still holding her hand. "Good. I hope
    it works out for you." She grinned.
    "It will." Sarah leaned forward and kissed him lightly on the lips. "Thanks."
    He smiled. As she turned to go, he caught her hand.
    "Sarah, um, make sure they check your dad out." She smiled, looking at
    him oddly. "They did, Ray."
    "No. I mean, like a full physical. A full one." He was grasping her hand
    rather hard now and she twisted slightly in his grip. "What are you talking
    about. Ray? You're scaring me." Kowalski didn't seem to hear her. "Just
    make sure they check...everything." She finally pulled free. "Um, sure.
    You take care, Stan. I'll call you when we get to Boston, o.k.?" Sarah
    inched toward the door. "Thanks again, for everything." 
    
    
    
    "So, what's the word?", Kowalski nibbled at his food as he spoke. The
    crap brought back memories of the psych hospital and it was making him
    feel sick.  Welsh standing beside Ray's bed, his arms folded over his
    chest. "The lab ran a test on the drugs they pulled out of you and the
    other patients. Unindentified. We think they were using the patients
    in some kind of test, experiment. Now this place was privately funded
    by a Huntington Pollarandy. Known in the scientific comunity as a Dr.
    Frankenstein of sorts. These guys are sadists. Like little boys who burn
    ants with a magnifying glass. Sadists, pure and simple. You'll be expected
    to testify in court. Can you do that?" From his place by the window,
    Fraser watched as Ray pushed the plate away. It worried him that his
    partner showed such little interest in food and it alarmed him that the
    blond seemed to turn a shade of green when his meal was brought to him.
    "Sir?" Welsh's eyes moved to Ben.
    "What, Constable?"
    "I think it would be in Detective Vecchio's best interest to take some
    vacation time." Harding looked at Kowalski. "Oh, he will be. He's being
    suspended." Ray's mouth fell open.
    "Why?!" The lieutenant flushed red.
    "Why?! Why?! You want the current reason or a list?!" Ben stood, coming
    between the two men. "Sir." Welsh sighed.
    "Alright. Look, I want you to get some rest. Doc Phillips says you're
    getting released today." Ray nodded. "Yeah."
    "Anyone going to be at home with you?" Kowalski nodded again and gestured
    to the Mountie. "Frase." 
    "Good. Don't worry about this suspension. Purely for appearances." He
    moved forward, glaring at the younger man. "But, consider this your last
    warning. Do something like this again and you will find yourself in the
    unemployment line. Understood?" Ray swallowed nervously. "Yes, sir."
    
    
    
      As soon as Ray entered his apartment, he fell onto the couch with a
    happy cry and hugged the throw pillows. He breathed in deeply, the scent
    of home. Between paper work and other annoying formalities, they hadn't
    gotten out of the hospital until 9:50 pm. Both men were physically exhausted.
    Fraser put down his partner's duffle bag and slipped out of his tunic.
    He smiled as he watched Ray roll around joyfully on the couch. Kowalski
    fixed on his partner with a broad grin. "Feels so good to be home, Frase."
    Ben nodded as he hung his tunic. "I can imagine." The detective sighed
    happily.
    "Thanks for stayin' with me." The Mountie took a seat beside him. "It's
    my pleasure, Ray." The blond sat back and yawned.
    "Feels good to be home.", he mumbled again. Ben studied him for a moment
    and then reached out and stroked Ray's cheek. It was an unconscious gesture,
    something he'd done many times before to help him relax. Stan smiled
    slightly, but then pulled away and quickly stood up. "Well, I am beat.",
    he said. "Gonna head to bed. My own bed." Fraser nodded. "That sounds
    like a good idea." 
    "You gonna be o.k. on the couch, Frase?"
    "Yes. Thank you."
    
    
    
    Ben lay awake, listening to Ray get ready for bed. He closed his eyes
    as he heard Ray exit the bathroom and come back into the living. He stopped
    for a moment, as if to make sure his partner was asleep and then went
    into the kitchen. Ben heard the cabinet open, heard the placement of
    a glass bottle on the counter, a cap coming off and liquid being poured.
    Ray swallowed and then groaned softly. There were footsteps, moving back
    to Kowalski's bedroom. Ben lay still on the couch for awhile, but then
    seeing that Ray's light still hadn't gone out, he got up and went to
    the room. 
    
    
    
     The blond was sitting on the couch, tilting his head from side to side.
    "Ray?" Stan looked up in surprise.
    "Hey. Thought you were asleep." Ben shook his head.
    "What's wrong?"
    "Nothin'. Just, my neck's alittle stiff.", he mumbled. Ben sat down beside
    his partner. "Turn around." Ray looked at him suspiciously.
    "Why?"
    "Ray...Trust me." Kowalski nodded and turned around, sitting cross-legged
    on bed. Fraser laid his hands on the base of the smaller man's neck.
    He felt Ray tense, but ignored the reaction as he had in the hospital.
    He applied a small amount of pressure and massaged the detective's knotted
    muscle. Ray closed his eyes and purred. "That feels good, Frase." Ben
    smiled.
    "Ray, would you like me to stay with you?", he asked gently. "In your
    room?" Kowalski looked at him with a mixture of annoyance and amusement.
    "I'm not a baby.", he said indignantly. Despite himself, Fraser laughed.
    Ray reminded him so much of a small boy sometimes. He dropped his hands
    into his lap. "I know. I just want to make sure that you'll be o.k."
    "I am good." The Mountie nodded and stood. 
    "Uh, Frase?" His friend's voice stopped him in the doorway.
    "Yes?"
    "Would it bother you if the CD player was on?"
    "Of course not."
    "'kay. That's good. So would you mind putting it on for me. Um, CD 4."
    "What song would you like, Ray?"
    "Um, track 3. Please." Fraser smiled.
    "As you wish."
    "Thanks."
    "Good night, Ray."
    "Night."
    
    
    
    
    Ray sighed deeply and closed his eyes. He cuddled into the blankets and
    as the first strains of 'Life in Mono' drifted into the bedroom, he drifted
    into sleep. 
    
    
    
    *The stranger sang a theme, From someone else's dream..* Hospital. Hallway.
    Big men. Someone was grabbing his arms. *...leaves began to fall...*
    They were dragging him, his feet sliding over the cool floor. *...And
    no-one spoke at all....* Door kicked open. He was thrown forward. Striking
    tile. His elbow went numb with pain. *....seem to recall, When you came
    along...* Ray rolled over on his belly, in time to see the two big men
    moving toward him. He tries to get up. A hand on his throat forces him
    down. Can't move, can't see anything except the sickly white ceiling
    above him. *...Ingenue, I just don't know what to do...* Hands on his
    boxers, yanking them down.  *...tree-lined avenue...* He's flipped over,
    forced down on his belly. *...Begins to fade from view...*  Tile is like
    ice against his naked flesh. *...Drowning past regrets...* Strong hands
    forcing his legs apart. *..In tea and cigerettes..* He tries to move,
    but fingers curl tight into his hair, pushing his face down into the
    floor. *..But I can't seem to forget, When you came along...* He feels
    the weight of a body come down on him and for the first time, he opened
    his mouth to.... 
    
    
     
    SCREAM!  Ben lept off the couch and scrambled into bedroom. Ray was on
    the floor, huddled in a corner, tangled in a mess of blankets, eyes screwed
    shut, mouth wide open in a ceaseless cry. He fell to his knees beside
    his friend and grabbed the smaller man by the shoulders. "Ray! Ray!"
    Kowalski shook violently, throwing his head to the side, so it struck
    the wall hard. Ben quickly moved to cup the detective's head as he had
    in the shower room. "Ray!" Eyes flew open, murky green eyes looking with
    horror into Ben's ice blues. "Ray?", Fraser cupped his face. "Talk, please."
    Ray's eyes fluttered and he licked his lips. "Frase." He clasped the
    Mountie's arm, then patted it, as if to make sure he was not a hallucination."Frase."
    "You had a nightmare." Ben stood, gently pulling Kowalski up with him.
    Unsteady on his feet, Stan leaned against him heavily. Fraser sat Ray
    on the bed and then went about gathering and untangling the blankets.
    "Do you want to tell me about it?" Ray just looked at him. Ben reached
    out and took his partner's hand, but Kowalski pulled away, moving half
    way across the bed to get away from the Mountie. "Ray.."
    "Please! Please don't touch me, Ben.", he snapped. Fraser sighed. "What
    happened to you in that hospital?"  Ray made no reply. Instead, he lay
    down, curling up and hugging the pillow to his body. Ben sighed and pulled
    the covers over his partner. "You're safe.", he murmured.
    
    
     
    ===============================================
    
    Ray awoke to find the Mountie sitting in an chair beside the bed. "Hey,
    Frase. Thanks for stickin' with me." Ben stared at him steadily. "What
    aren't you telling me, Ray?" Kowalski's eyes narrowed.
    "What?"
    "What aren't you telling me?" The detective crawled out of bed, stretching
    his muscles. "What are you talking about?"
    "There was something else. Besides the beatings and the showers and the
    drugs. You're keeping something from me." Ray scrowled, picking up the
    sheets and starting to fold them. A very un-Ray-like habit. "I told you
    everything. Back off, Frase, you sound like a nagging wife." Fraser's
    lips pursed tightly and he crossed his arms over his chest. "I will ask
    you  one more time. What aren't you telling me?"
    "What the hell is wrong with you?!", Kowalski snapped, throwing the unmade
    sheets back on the bed. "This is not you. I have seen you beaten and
    tortured before. This is not you, you do not react like this." "How the
    hell would you know?! Have you ever been tied down a bed, pumped full
    of drugs, smacked around. Helpless?! How do you know, how I would react?!"
    "You're safe now. They can't hurt you anymore."
    "I know that!"
    "Then why are you still afraid?!  I can still see fear in your eyes.
    And I can hear it in your voice.  What else did they do to you?! Why
    are you still afraid?!" 
    
    
    
    Ray refused to leave the apartment. He started out with a glass of scotch
    along with breakfast and was somewhat tipsy by the time he'd settled
    on the couch to watch Divorce Court. He and Fraser had barely exchanged
    a word since the shouting match earlier in the morning. Ben said nothing
    about his drinking. When Fraser came out of the shower, Kowalski was
    passed out on the couch. His long arms were wrapped around Dief and his
    head pillowed in the wolf's soft fur. The Mountie needed air. The apartment
    was terribly stuffy, still dark (Ray had nearly screamed when he tried
    to open the windows) and it stank of liquior. Fraser put on his jacket
    and looked at the wolf who was watching over his sleeping partner. "Take
    care of him, Dief.", he said and headed out alone.
    
    
    
    
    He walked for hours, just walked. What was Ray hiding? Why? Did he not
    trust Ben? The Mountie turned these questions over and over in his mind.
    He made the decision to talk to Welsh. Perhaps the lieutenant could talk
    to the younger man, coax the answers from him. 
    
    
    
    Welsh was elbow deep in paperwork and screaming at damn near everyone
    who passed when Fraser  came in. Surprisingly, his demeanor changed at
    the sight of the Mountie. "Constable! In my office." Fraser followed
    him in and closed the door as Welsh settled behind his desk. "Have a
    seat." Ben nodded and did as he was asked.
    "Thank you, sir." The lieutenant sat back.
    "How's Vecchio?" Fraser sighed, trying got choose his words carefully.
    "I'm concerned for him, sir.  I think he think he might be hiding something
    about what happened while he was in the psych ward." Harding frowned.
    "Why?"
    "I not sure. Shame maybe. Fear."
    "Kowalski's a good cop. Hot-headed. I figured 'fear' wasn't part of his
    vocabulary. If there was anything else, I'm sure he'd tell us.", he replied
    in a tone that brushed off much concern. Ben stood, sighing. "I have
    to get back to the apartment.", he said curtly. Welsh started to speak,
    but the Mountie walked out before he could get a word in. The lieutenant
    stared at the closed door in confusion. Something was definitely going
    on. Fraser was genuinely concerned for Kowalski, but if Ray wasn't talking,
    there was something Ben wasn't saying either. 
    
    
    
    Ray was drinking again when Ben got back to the apartment. He was sitting
    back in the cushions, peeling the label off a bottle of Johnny Walker
    that rested on his belly. Diefenbaker was in a corner, pouting miserably,
    no doubt annoyed by his packmate's new hobby. "Ray.", Ben said gently,
    taking the bottle from the blond's unresisting hands. "Hungry.", the
    detective muttered. Ben nodded.
    "Alright. I can fix something. What would you like to eat?"
    "Dunno. Um, pizza. Can we order pizza, Frase?" Words were slightly slurred.
    Ben looked into his partner's bloodshot eyes. It seemed that Kowalski
    was there in body only. His mind was elsewhere, still lost in an alcoholic
    haze. "As you wish, Ray." The blond smiled and lay back on the couch.
    "Thanks, Benny." *Benny.* The real Ray Vecchio had always called him
    Benny. This Ray never called him Benny. 
    
    
    
    Ben ate only two slices of pizza and Ray gobbled the rest. They didn't
    say a word during dinner. Not a word. The Mountie studied every change
    in facial expression and slightly shaky gesture. *What happened to you?*
    The silence was an incredible gulf, a void between them. He knew his
    relationship with the detective was on thin ice and the cracks were already
    beginning to show. 
    
    
    
     There was no sleep for Fraser that night. He lay awake, listening to
    Ray's labored breathing, listened to the bed creak. In the darkness and
    silence of the apartment, Ben cried softly. Cried for himself and for
    his partner. Logic and reason had always been the nucleus of his life.
    He depended upon all things to make sense, to be able to label and organize
    things equally. But *this* did not make sense. What was happening to
    Ray did not make sense. 
    
    
    
    He was on the verge of sleep when he heard the harsh slap of footsteps
    on the floor and the bathroom door being yanked open. Slipping off the
    couch, he went to his partner. Ray was hunched over the sink, splashing
    water over his face. Ben leaned on the doorframe. "Are you alright?"
    Ray turned, startled, eyes wide with fear.
    "Oh," He laughed nervously. "yeah. Just, um, warm--uh, hot. Need to have
    the air conditioning checked." He swallowed slowly, adam's apple jumping
    in his throat. "Actually it's quite chilly in your apartment, Ray." Kowalski
    couldn't meet his friend's eyes. "Well, it's, um, probably, um, just
    my room then." Fraser stepped forward and lay his hand on his partner's
    glistening chest. Ray flinched at the touch. Despite the sweat and bright
    pink flush, he was surprisingly cold. "Come to the bedroom." The detective
    eyed him with suspicion.
    "Why?" Ben sighed.
    "Ray, you are freezing, you'll catch a chill." Kowalski pushed past him.
    "I'm good.", he mumbled, walking unsteadily into the living room. "Where
    are you going?"
    "Get somethin' to eat. Hungry.", came the reply.
    
    
    
    
    
    Despite having eaten a large meal less than three hours ago, Kowalski
    was ravenous. Ben sat across the table and watched his friend devour
    cold leftovers with the zeal of a starving man. When he was finished,
    he went back to bed. Nothing spoken. No words. 
    
    
    ======================================================================
    
    Ben left before Ray awoke. He wrote his friend a note, explaining that
    he had guard duty and left the detective in the care of Diefenbaker.
    Before he departed, however, he removed all the liquior from the cabinet
    and emptied the contents into the sink. Then he dumped the bottles into
    a bag and took them down to the recycling bin. 
    
     
     
    Fraser was standing outside the Consulate, when Ray pulled up to the
    curb. He was pleased to see him, but somewhat surprised, since his partner
    knew well that this was him time for guard duty. Ray got out of the car
    and leaned against it, watching a pudgy young boy who had been taunting
    the Mountie for the past hour. "Na, na! You're not so tough without your
    wolf." A slow, icy smile spread across  Kowalski's lips. "Hey, kid!"
    The boy turned around. Ray gestured to the GTO as he slipped his sunglasses
    off. "The wolf is in the car and he's hungry. Now beat it before you
    become the appetizer." The boy's eyes grew wide and he took off in a
    ridiculous half run, half leap. "Putting up with little rats like that
    part of your job description, Frase?", Ray asked, as he approached his
    friend. Despite himself, a small smile pulled at the corners of the Mountie's
    lips. Kowalski caught this and grinned back. But it vanished quickly.
    He looked down, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. "Gotta tell ya
    something, Buddy. That's why I'm here." He sucked in a breath."Look,
    this isn't easy for me, so I kinda chose this particular time because,
    um, all you can do is listen. Cause--cause, Fraser, I don't want to talk
    about this. But you're my partner and I-I owe you an explanation." A
    shaky sigh and slipped his sunglasses back on. "O.k. Um, I've been acting
    like an asshole lately and I'm sorry. You were right when you said I
    wasn't telling you everything that happened while I was undercover. There
    was something I left out. But, it's not something--it's just not--it's
    something..." He sighed, taking a step closer to the Mountie and lowering
    his voice. "Some bad stuff went on in there. The drugs, the beatings,
    the cold showers. But there was something else, uh, I left out. I mean,
    I went through all the other stuff, too. They pumped me full of those
    drugs and slapped me around and all that, but, um...But they, the orderlies,
    sometimes they raped me, too. And the nurse, she would just stand there
    and watch." Fraser gritted his teeth, jaw tightening. It took every ounce
    of restraint not to grab Ray and shake him. *Raped?!* 
    
    
    
      Ray went to the park with Dief and returned to his apartment in the
    early evening hours. He opened the door and was not surprised, but not
    happy to find his partner standing rigid in the living room, Stetson
    in hand. "Ben."
    "We have to talk, Ray." He closed the door and walked past the Mountie.
    "Ain't got nothing to talk about, Frase." He was slipping out of his
    jacket as he walked by and Ben reached out to catch him. At the gentle
    tug, Ray whirled around, wrenching free of him and stumbling back, fear
    in his eyes. "Do not touch me!", he snapped, trying quickly to gather
    the pieces of his shattered composure. Fraser looked at him sadly. "How
    many times, Ray?", he whispered. Stan pulled off his jacket and slung
    it over the couch. "Not talkin' about it.", he replied. 
    "Ray, I am begging you. Please talk to me." Kowalski head fell back.
    "You don't--You have no idea what it's like. I know..I know how women
    feel...now. I..can't come clean. I feel them inside me all the time."
    He looked at the Mountie. "The nurse was a freak. She'd watch and laugh.
    The more...vicious they were, she enjoyed it." He ran his hand over his
    chest as if trying to remove some unseen dirt. "When you're in school,
    high school, there's always that kid in gym, that everyone picks on.
    You know? L-laugh at him, do mean little things, basically humilitate
    him. I-in the back of your head, you know, you know it's such a horrible
    thing to do, 'cause this kid is little and he c-can't even defend himself.
    But you do it, 'cause you're just glad it's not you. I-I know, I understand
    how that kid felt. What his humiliation must have been. To--People are
    hurting you and everyone else just watches and laughs." Tears glistened
    in Kowalski's eyes. "Guess what goes around, comes around, huh?" Ben
    closed his eyes as his own tears fell. "No one deserves this, Ray." He
    looked at his friend pleadingly. "Let me help you."  Kowalski shook his
    head. "Too late, Frase."
    
    
    
      
     Fraser stood in the doorway of Ray's bedroom for a full five hours and
    watched his friend's fitful sleep. The blond tossed and twisted his sheets,
    but he did not wake. Throughout his sleep he whimpered and sometimes
    cried, but Fraser did not go to him. He feared it would further alarm
    Ray and he feared the temper that would flare if Kowalski awoke and found
    him there. He saw his partner as he has been in the shower: naked, weak,
    trembling. Like an infant just out of the womb, having known safety and
    warmth for so long and then suddenly thrown into a place of fear and
    hate. And Ben was filled with guilt. He was watching his best friend
    waste away, body, mind and soul, and he was helpless to stop it. 
    
    
    ====================================================================
    
     He left the apartment before Kowalski awoke and went to see Doctor Phillips.
    She was busy, but she sacrificed her break to take some time out to talk
    to the Mountie. They sat down in the doctors' lounge with two cups of
    stale coffee. "So, how is Detective Vecchio?", she asked. Ben sighed,
    deciding to get directly to the point. "Yesterday he confessed to me
    that while he was in the psych hospital he had been repeatedly raped."
    Phillip's eyes narrowed. "Raped?"
    "Yes." She closed her eyes and put her hands over her face.
    "Oh, God. I didn't even--I didn't--I didn't think to check for that.
    I-" "How were you to know? He didn't tell me until now."
    "You're missing the point, Ben. I was his doctor. I should have known.
    His behavior was too erratic, nervous. I should have known there something
    else." She turned to him."Where is he now?" "His apartment. He refuses
    to talk about it, refuses to give a statement." Ben looked to her helplessly.
    "Is there anything you can do? Force his hand even." Phillips sighed.
    "I wish there was. It's a long time after the fact. No more evidence.
    Most of the patients are honestly mentally ill. The others aren't talking."
    She ran her fingers through her hair. "What kind of person can do this
    to another human being? Sick bastards." She finally looked up at him.
    "Rape is hard for women. I've dealt with enough cases to know that emotional
    scarring can be there for years, even with theraphy. For men...they have
    this macho notion that they are immune to that kind of thing. And that
    only makes it harder when it happens. The healing process is drastically
    slowed. First they have to accept that it happened to them. That's the
    hardest obstacle to get over." She licked her lips. "Can you bring him
    here? Let me talk to him." Fraser shook his head. "He may not agree to
    that." Phillips took hold of his arm.
    "You have to try." The Mountie nodded.
    "I'll do whatever it takes." She smiled.
    "Good."
    
    
    
    
    "No." It was the first word out of Kowalski's mouth when Ben mentioned
    the meeting with Phillips. "Ray, you need to see someone. This is unhealthy."
    The blond shook his head, gesturing to the Consulate door. "Look, I'm
    gonna shoot some pool. Are you gonna come or not?", he asked, changing
    the subject. "Ray..." The detective twirled his keys around his finger.
    "C'mon. I'm not gonna wait around all day for your slow ass."
    "Ray..."
    "I can get tickets to the Devils/Stars game. You feel like going?" Ben
    slammed the files down on the desk so violently, that Kowalski backed
    away in surprise. "What is your problem?!", he demanded.
    "You!", Fraser snapped. "You are my problem, Ray! I cannot help you,
    if you don't let me!" "I don't want your help, Ben! I want you to leave
    me alone!"
    "Why?! So you can ruin your life! Hard drinking is not going to make
    your problems go away!" "Does for awhile. Works for me.", he replied
    with that patented lopsided grin. The Mountie was the color of his uniform.
    "You are being unreasonable!"
    "You can go to hell. I don't need you! I won't be your fucking responsibility!",
    Stan growled. Fraser fixed on him with a stony glare. "You have always
    been and will always be my responsibility, Ray.", he replied coldly.
    He regretted these words as soon as they left his lips. The change in
    Ray's eyes, the bright jade of anger, fading to the pale green of sorrow
    and crushing pain. He sighed softly. "Ray.." Kowalski backed away, his
    hand out in front of him. 
    "Bye, Frase." He turned and sprinted out of the Consulate. Ben  put his
    hands on his desk and bowed his head.  He couldn't go after him, not
    now. *God, what have I done?* He swallowed. "I am a cold-hearted bastard,
    Dief.", he muttered. The wolf raised his head and whined his disagreement
    with that statement. 
    
    
     
    Ray wasn't sure how long he sat at the bar. Didn't matter. He didn't
    want to go home. Sure as hell didn't want to go back to the Consulate.
    Normally, he would just get drunk and get laid. Well, he'd already passed
    the drunk stage, but..... Ugh. The thought of sex made him nauseous.
    He looked around at the women in the bar, tried to imagine being with
    them...and the idea sickened him. Geez. Well, nothin' left to do but
    drink some more. 
    
    
    
    As he downed another vodka sour, a man took a seat beside him at the
    bar. "Problems, friend?" Ray looked up. His vision was slightly blurred.
    The man was stocky and had a rather fat, pig-like face. Kowalski shrugged.
    "The usual.", he muttered. Didn't feel like talking. The man ordered
    a club soda. "Well, drinkin' won't solve your problems, son.", he replied.
    He had a strong accent, Southern, perhaps? Virginia? Kansas? "You sound
    like a friend of mine-" *Wait, why am I talking to this guy?* "How the
    hell are you?", the detective mumbled. "Dominic Rosdale.", he responded.
    "Well, Dom, do me a favor. Shut the fuck up." The man seemed alittle
    surprised. "Sorry, son. Not in my nature-"
    "I am NOT your son."
    "It's not in my nature to leave a man wallowing in self-pity. Besides,
    it does say somewhere in the Bible that drinking is a sin, don't it?"
    "Oh, Christ.", Ray groaned, "Yer one of those guys. Look, I just want
    to get drunk in peace. So take yer Bible thumping somewhere else." The
    man cleared his throat, as if struggling to not get angry. "Why don't
    you talk? Get some of what's bothering you out in the open?" For reasons
    he would never understand, Ray began to cough some little details about
    his fractured life. Mostly about Stella and very little else. Dominic
    listened without interruption or correction and for that Kowalski was
    grateful. He began to say something about the hospital and then quickly
    shut up. He ordered another vodka sour. "What about this friend of yours?",
    Rosdale asked.
     "Fras--Ben. I'm, um, his partner. And we've been through alot together.
    But, um, he sees me as more of a responsibility than a friend, you know?
    'Cause he always has to get me out of trouble.  I don't like that feeling.
    I don't wanna be his responsibility." "I understand." Ray was comforted
    by this man's voice and by the fact tha Rosdale had not passed judgement
    on him. "I have this nice place not too far from here. It's in the country,
    kind of. And I have something that might be able to help you." Ray looked
    at him. The alcohol had severed any chords with good judgement. Didn't
    want to go home and so he accepted Rosdale's invitation. 
    
    
    
    This 'nice place' was not really in the country, but on the edge of the
    city. And it was more like a fortified compound. There were at least
    thirty people living here. Modestly, on mattresses lined side by side.
    Ray was horrified by them at first sight. They reminded him of the people
    in the psych hospital. These people were like zombies too, staring at
    him through barely comprehending foggy eyes. "Who are these guys?", Ray
    whispered to Dom.
    "My children.", the other man replied.  *Children?* He took Ray into
    a room at the end of the hall and shut the door. Two large men who had
    flanked them this far, now stood at the door. "Bodyguards.", the stocky
    man told Kowalski, as if this was supposed to reassure him. "What did
    you mean before? About the people out there being your children?" Rosdale
    appeared to be searching for something. "Well, I'll explain that later.
    Ah!" He turned, holding two red gel tabs in his hand. He held them out
    to Ray in offering. Kowalski stared at him. "Drugs?"
    "No. Of course not, Detective.  It is a form of medication. It...aids
    in ridding the mind of bad memories." Ray began to say no, to push the
    pills back, but then a blanket of desolation covered him and he realized....it
    didn't matter anymore. Whatever happened to him was irrelvent. So, with
    a lop-sided grin, he swallowed the gel tabs. 
    
    
    
     Whatever they were they worked like downers...or morphine, Mixed with
    the alcohol they packed an even greater punch. He was on the bed, everything
    hazy and confused. The room was moving in waves...side to side. Really
    weird. Ray was aware of a weight beside him. Rosdale. And then an arm
    laid across his chest, kisses showered on the side of his neck. No. There
    was something very wrong with this. Dominic moved forward slowly, his
    hand sliding into Ray's pants. Kowalski groaned softly, pushing at his
    chest. "Stop." Fingers brushed against sensitive flesh. "Stop, Dom. Stop."
    Rosdale didn't seem to hear him. He just pushed Ray down on the bed,
    rubbing against him. The detective shoved him as hard as he could, but
    it didn't seem to be having an effect. "Get off  me!", he snapped, panicking
    now.  Dom pushed his boxers down, panted into Ray's ear as he thrust
    against him. "Stop it!", Kowalski sobbed. In his mind, he was back in
    that godforsaken psych ward, shoved hard against freezing tile and violated.
    Over and over. Powerless, helpless.  Suddenly mustering strength into
    his limbs, Ray managed to throw Dom from the bed. "You dirty fuck!" Kowalski
    stood on wobbly legs and dressed himself. "We frown on hostility here,
    detective." Ray was still feeling dizzy and he clutched the side of the
    bed for support. "I'll...have you hauled in....on c-charges." He thought
    he saw movement out of the corner of his eye, but then another wave of...oh,
    shit. No more....equlibrium....up......down.....who the fuck knows anymore?
    Fraser......wha....where the hell.....are ya.........Buddy.....please.....help.
    He felt...what was it? Someone struck him in the back of the head?  The
    floor came rushing up to meet him and the world collapsed into darkness.
    
    Continued in Fall in the Light
    
    


End file.
